STATE OF GRACE

Photo from SkyscraperCity

I'm walking fast through the traffic lights

busy streets and busy lives

and all we know, is touch and go

Touch and go. This could well be the theme for 2012. I've touched base with different faces and places in different lengths and circumstances. All of them changed my life in some grand or minute way. If I mattered to them is a whole different story, which doesn't matter anymore.

Because in the end, tears have been cried, hearts have been hurt, scars have dried and faded. Soon a fresh start, a clean slate is miraculously served in front of you and there’s no way you can refuse it. After all, nothing good ever escapes.

So here I am feasting on a heaping plate of changes, feeling full and happy with how I started the year. Despite the state of singularity I am in, I am in a state of grace with all the gifts God rained down even before the year began. This is what happens when you don’t bring an umbrella in the midst of an abundance of rain from the Divine.

WHAT'S ON MY PLATE ANYWAY?

1. NEW JOURNAL

As if I can’t get enough of blogging, I purchased a new leather-bound diary to jot down my most private of thoughts as well as my daily routines. When life seems like a crazy spiral, it pays to have routines.

2. NEW FITNESS ROUTINE

After being diagnosed as hypertensive and having hypertrophy back in October, I decided to start jogging in the mornings at a nearby cemetery. On some days, I would walk the big dogs of my friend Jonathan Samar and jog around my former school, Woodridge College. We normally end the routine with stretching and crunches in the school gym. On Saturdays, Jonathan and I, together with other friends Nolette Garcia and Ernie Sumayod, would play badminton (and I’m getting good at it!).

3. REAWAKENED SPIRITUALITY

Thanks to my good friend (and president/chairperson emeritus of my fans’ club) Bella Bardollas, I met a wonderful community of Catholic Christians who changed the way I looked at Catholicism. The Feast @ Bonifacio Global City, led by its builder Bro. George Gabriel, has worship services every Saturday from starting 4 p.m. at the Topshelf of Fully Booked in Bonifacio High Street.

4. SORTED FINANCES

Since I ain’t spending my money anymore on laptop bags that get thrown out of a moving vehicle or trips that don’t even get recalled or valued, I decided to make the most out of it. I adopted a new budget policy and devoted myself in itemizing and reducing my expenses. I also joined a “paluwagan” with my badminton friends, the proceeds of which I plan to save in a bank account. I am now thinking on investing the money I will save in property or stocks.

5. IMPROVED FASHION SENSE

Hey, I’m single and ready to mingle. What better way to attract the next (and perhaps, last) great love of my life than by sporting some new, fashionable attire and hairstyle? And with some great advice from my lady friends at work, I got a lot of pointers in personality development that could perhaps reel in the type of lady I really want to be with at this stage (and coming stages) of my life.

All these are works in progress. Just as Maynilad caused a lot of painstakingly slow traffic for quite some time in the streets of Bacoor or Las Piñas City, the changes I am experiencing right now are an exercise in discipline, determination, endurance, and loyalty. I’m sure someone out there can’t wait for me to give up soon; but no: This is a state of grace. This is the worthwhile fight.

And so while I ain’t perfect, I’m in this fight with all I got. There’s no certainty even obscurity in it—just the invisible hand of change which we can look always look forward to with cautious optimism. As long I am in a state of grace, nourished by the constantly stocked warehouse of God, I live, I’ll grow, and I'll forever be grateful for each day of my life. TSS

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"Be not afraid of going slowly, be afraid only of standing still." - Chinese proverb

IMAGINED RELATIONSHIPS

Relationships start from that magical spark. Most people call it love at first sight; others, being struck by Cupid’s arrow. Once we become captives of this spark, the imagination begins to play. For the first time in years, you see your future in clear view. You see times spent in parks and beaches, holding hands and building sand castles. You picture trips to some far-off destination, exploring the sights and exploring each other. Sooner or later, you develop a mind photo of a family together, with perhaps two children in a house on a hill. It is the pursuit of this imagination that leads lovers to go on a pursuit of true love. It is the pursuit of this imagination that encourages two people seated on a bench to sit beside each other, to share an embrace, a kiss, and eventually, goodbyes.

I've never imagined it to end this way. In fact, I never saw it coming until a thorough afterthought of the signs for months later. I would like to think it is my fault that the imagined relationship we had eventually faded to oblivion. But it takes two to tango and thus, I am more convinced it was more of our individual differences, flaws, misgivings, and unfounded assumptions that brought us to a demise. These cracks in the imagination are what led her (and sooner or later, me) to pursue a different imagination of a relationship. Perhaps, one with less bickering and more communication. With someone who pays a listening ear regardless of our own myopic ideas and selfish talk.

So here I am, imagining once more what the future has for me. Chronicling a love foretold. I don’t wish for the next one be a real-life fairy tale or something out of a Nicholas Sparks novel. I just want it to be real—the love, care, understanding, even the few moments of anguish that comes in every romance. Again, there will be poetry, perhaps short stories, even books written for this prophesied woman. There will be walks with her, barefoot, on foreign coasts and romantic dates in never-before-heard-of restaurants. We will make love like we've never made love before. We will fight like children over a game of Scrabble, or missing out on monthsarries. But we’ll always love each other no matter what caveat God puts along our way.

For it is in these worst case scenarios that we prove if someone is really worth staying with. I’d want her to be strong and committed if ever I’ve become Will Smith in “Pursuit of Happyness”, sharing the pursuit with me instead of doing what Thandie Newton did in the film. I want to be loved like Hugh Jackman in “Real Steel”, who despite his many wrong turns and disappointments, Evangeline Lilly never gave up hope on him. I’d stick around for her in sickness and in health, just like Jake Gyllenhaal in “Love and Other Drugs”. She’d do the same for me like Jennifer Connelly in “A Beautiful Mind”. We will search for each other like John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale in “Serendipity”, or be best friends-turned-lovers like Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally”. We will grow old together like Noah and Allie in “The Notebook”.

But for imagined relationships to become real life, both lovers must be courageous, strong, and determined to overcome the odds, even those made by themselves. Stuff like pride, selfishness, and envy. For while we think love is supposed to make us strong, it does not. It’s a sickness, meant to make us weak. But if we are already strong even before the imagination comes to life, before the weakness sets in, we can weather hail or storm hand-in-hand and by being the strength to each other.

To you, my imagined relationship, the woman meant for me. I love you.

THE PERFECT BOW

It’s that time of the year again.

Like people awakening from cryostasis, Christmas trees are brought out from old boxes covered in dust along with their matching trinkets, balls, and accessories—cleaned and polished to be set up just in time for the Holiday Season.

This is what I did throughout my long weekend beginning Friday. But unlike many of you who have old Christmas trees, we opted to give away our old one to a relative, and instead, bough a new, 7-foot tree from Divisoria. Being the only guy in the family, I was tasked to take charge of designing the tree with the help of my sister. Last year’s theme was gold; Hence, we decided that silver will be this year’s motif.

I was in for a surprise lesson in life with this weekend task.

Out of leftover silver ribbons from last year, I made bows to fill up what looked like a barren tree. Bows were never hard to make since I’ve always had a thing for arts and crafts—it was like tying shoelaces. But the perfectionist in me would always find something wrong with a thing as tiny as a bow. After cutting the ribbons into identical lengths, I tied them to knots one-by-one; and each time, the other half of the bow is either shorter or longer than the other one. I had to untie some of them before knotting them again to the proportion I desired. Some bows had to be cut on the edges in order for the length to be the same. All in all, I came up with 19 bows out of 3 yards of ribbon which I attached to the tree using a handy glue gun.

Wondering where the life lesson in this anecdote is? Some of you might have already figured it out.

I would like to believe God has made ribbons out of us. He chooses which ribbons he will tie into a bow and hang on the Christmas Tree of Life—two people for each bow. Sometimes, the way we are knot with another person into a bow isn’t as proportion as God hoped it to be, either one side is longer or shorter than the other. Hence, He will untie the knot and loop it once more, repeating the process if needed to get His desired bow. If He has to clip a few inches from our ribbons just to produce a perfect bow, He’ll do so.  The perfect bow hangs on the Christmas Tree of Life, where opportunity, happiness, and contentment grow.

God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent. Hence, He knows very well that change is the only thing that is permanent in this world. And just like any season, Christmas ends too. He will have to bring down the Christmas Tree of Life and untie the bows He had decorated the tree with. Not that they don’t deserve opportunity, happiness, and contentment, but rather to give chance for other bows to be tied and hanged on the tree next season. He could do the same motif again if He so desires, He may not. We will not know for sure.

I know some of you can relate to this as it reminds us of those moments when we felt we were part of a “perfect bow” with someone really special. I’ve felt these moments before, ever so more recently. But sometimes, God throws a caveat by untying the bow we have with these people and/or by trimming our ribbons. Don’t be discouraged by these caveats, as God never lets any of His ribbons go to waste and wants all of them to hang on His Christmas Tree of Life. He ties these ribbons again at a different time until He gets the “perfect bow” He and all of us desire.

God is the ultimate quiz master, much like Alex Trebek in Jeopardy. Sometimes, I cannot tell the difference between God and Trebek. While God won’t definitely chase a robber wearing only His underpants, Jeopardy-wise, He and the host are the same. Like an episode of this ubiquitous quiz show, He let’s us pick a category where our “questions” will come from and which “value” of question we want to answer. He then lets us place a wager of how much we are willing to endure and sacrifice in order to stay in the game. Sometimes, we win. Sometimes, we lose. But the great thing about God being our quiz master is that we can always take the test again. He won’t judge us no matter how much we fail in His quiz; He will always find a way for us to win on our own.

This is how I experience God in my day-to-day existence. I cannot label it Christian, Catholic, or otherwise; I would like to define Him in my own terms, much like most people today. Hence, I won’t question anyone’s religious beliefs, let alone, impose my own. If your experience of God brings out the beauty inside of you and helps you reach the maturity and nuance you desire, then more likely, your experience of God is right and true.